What’s wrong with myself? Am i not contributing enough to this society, am i causing a lot of trouble? Do i have to change something in myself even though i know i am not doing something wrong? Where are you illuive one!
Self Esteem have long abandoned me. I am a degree holder who hasn’t achieve anything yet. A college graduate from a reputable school in 2003 but did not even landed a single job since then, The best that i attained was for job training’s and that was it. Sad isn’t it?
The problem in my eyesight is the usual suspect of hindrance. It’s not that i did not try and it’s not that i’m lazy. As a matter of fact i tried everything that i could but usually i am a victim of discrimination. We all know the saying : “Try and try until you succeed…” but sometimes we have to know our limitations and more importntly we should know when to stop and accept reality.
I know it’s so hard to swallow the word pride. Sometimes i get jealous with people who have a stable job because they earn a lot of money, they can buy things that they want, they can live independently etc. But the down-part of it, people doesn’t realize when they have that already they frequently forget people, tend to be over confident especially when they are overwhelmed with the things that they have because in the past they can’t afford those things.
With all these handicaps, Usually, you are over looked. I am not saying that i am not earning money right now but what i earn today is not even close to half to these professionals earn.
Social life is doomed dramatically, wherein you can only go with people who knows how to live a simple life. Been scared of having conversation with people especially when they are talking about their jobs.
I don’t know what’s wrong with having a sari-sari store but people always makes fun out of it. Yes it’s only a joke but for me it’s somewhat a kind of insulting ones profession.
And i find it as a minus point already when you want to ask someone out or even to pursue someone. It really sucks… Let’s just say the person you are pursuing accepted you with what you have but the sad part there will be, You will be down graded by her friends and definitely by her family.
Like now i want to ask someone out, they already know my situation. I am really disappointed because i can’t do anything and add that i don’t have the looks to overshadow my profession. I feel so down.
How am i going to sell myself if the product itself doesn’t have any substance to back it up. I always pray to God that he gives me the strength to face my insecurities, to give me someone that could accept me the way i am, that he gives me peace of mind.
My problem is instead of pursuing that person i just stop because i know for a fact they can’t accept me, It always happen. When i try to come up and try to say what my feelings are they all neglect me. And the way they treat other people, you can’t have equal treatment. There is always biases.
Self pity follows after that. People say stop doing this but they don’t understand that they are the ones who causes it. Girls, always say that they hate men who does self pitying but instead of helping them they are the cause of it.
I remember one instance I’ve been judged and deleted from Facebook because of my statuses because when i’m upset i usually lay it there, and because of lack in courage i tend to do statuses for that specific person that i like. I ask myself what’s wrong with it? Is that already a valid reason to judge a person? Just because of saying things and expressing thoughts, you will hate me even though you don’t know me? And what’s the real reason behind it? Unfair!
But despite of it i learned to control myself and understand that not all people have the same way of thinking that i have, That i can’t please everybody, that benefit of the doubt is not applicable all the time in this judgmental world of ours.
I am really having a hard time looking for that illusive one. All i have is these real friends and i have a lot of unreal as well. How am i going to turn around the tide!
Honestly, i have prospects in mind but i am so scared to be judged, to be left out in the dark and i hate being neglected i am so pissed with that idea. I’m reaching my three decades of existence and i’m so scared to be alone forever. I want to have my own family! I am getting old. But how? Who will accept me? Bothers me every single day. Self Esteem please come home!